Tag Archives: AVN

The Numpty That Science Forgot.

As most people have already figured out, the AVN is a veritable cornucopia of – amongst other things – scientific inaccuracies, lies and misrepresentations.  In point of fact, any of the AVN fora are highly uncomfortable places to visit should you have even a passing acquaintance with science, logic or – when they really get going – reality.  This writhing hive of bad science, misunderstood terminology and confused statistics spews forth brown droplets of distilled stupid with alarming regularity, most of which are hurled straight back into the gaping maw from whence they issued.  Yes, there are more than enough people dealing with scientific side of things these days, so, at the risk of giving it the attention it so obviously craves, I thought I’d talk about the Numpty that Science Forgot: Johanna Holland.

This woman (if, indeed it is a woman) lay near and dear to most of us at the SAVN.  Chances are, if you’ve disproven, made fun of, corrected or even questioned any form of AVN stupidity, Johanna (henceforth refereed to as ‘Big-J’) has made a fake profile of you; I assume this is intended to hurt and offend, but personally I found the creation of my fake profile equal parts amusing and pitiable.

Big J – like the Batman – is an enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a tin-foil hat.  Appearing from the cloying mists of Facebook like an avenging angel she comes, brandishing her weapons of imitation and sarcasm, laying waste to all who would stand against righteous stupidity.  Then, in the blink of a page refresh, the masked avenger is gone; leaving in her wake the broken, soulless husks of those who have tasted her fake-profile vengeance.  Nothing more is known of this Tin-foil Knight, bar that she displays the behavioural moires of a vindictive eleven year old.  (Picture Skynet if it were confined only to Facebook, and it’s personality was extrapolated from the combined audio logs of every teenage boy on Xbox Live since it’s launch)

Regardless of who (or what) Big J really is, it’s hard to feel angry at her (him/them/it) when you sit down to think about what she (he/they) do.  Let’s do a quick experiment to try and estimate the time it takes to get one fake profile up and running:

1. First, lets register at gmail:

Total time: 47 seconds.

2. Next, let’s create our new profile on facebook:

Total time: 24 seconds

3. Time to trawl cyberspace for a suitably insulting picture to use for the profile:

Total time (estimate): 1 minutes, 30 seconds

4. Finally, we flesh out the profile, add some interests and join a few pages:

Total time 2 minutes, 17 seconds


So.  The grand-total (and bear in mind I was being very conservative; some of Big J’s fakes obviously have a lot more effort go into them) is around 5 minutes per profile. This obviously does not include things like posting comments, setting up relationship statuses and all that other whacky stuff Big J gets up to.  This is just to create the profiles, and at the last conservative estimate, Big J was running at least 10 fakes.  Taking this further, lets assume that Big J spends, on average, two and a half minutes on each profile, every day.  (I’m willing to bet that it’s a lot more than that, but lets shoot low.)

This gives us:

• Greater than 50 minutes of wasted life in creating the profiles to date.

• Approximately Three hours of wasted life per week maintaining them.

Three hours.  Three hoursThree hours.


Three hours each week spent doing … whatever it is she (he/they/it) think this is.  I can’t help but imagine what I could do with three extra hours a week (especially during exam time); Learn an instrument.  Educate myself on interesting topics like immunology.  Take guitar lessons.  Volunteer at an animal shelter.  Not do crazy things.

The list, as I’m sure you’ll agree, is positively endless.

Big J, if you’re reading this, I hope you manage to chase down happiness, whether it be through spending inordinate amounts of time trying to upset or hurt people via fake profiles, or through guitar lessons.  Whichever you choose, I’m sure you’ll be one of the very best in your field ♥

◊ 10 profiles * 2.5 minutes * 7 days = 175 minutes

♥ This may be deceptive in the case of fake profile creation, as not many adults do that sort of thing.  Nevertheless, I’m sure being better than angsty eleven year olds or 4chan is worth something.


Posted by on December 11, 2010 in Brown Nuggets Of Woo


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…by your powers combined, I AM CAPTAIN DOREY!

Like a drawn-out expulsion of rancid air from a sick horse’s anus, I’ve found Meryl Dorey’s vaccination soap-boxing simultaneously hard to ignore and highly unpleasant.  The first time I had the misfortune to be exposed to such a concentrated cloud of stupidity was during Mighty Meryl’s now-infamous interview on “Sunday Night.”

Bugger me sideways,” I thought to myself, “that’s a whole lot of stupid.  It has texture.  You can taste the stupid.”

I initially found Mighty Meryl’s seemingly limitless ignorance on any topic more complex than “sandwiches” equally amusing and repugnant, but gradually the balance began to ever-so-slightly tip in favor of amusement.  I watched her pontificate on things she knew absolutely nothing about, while the thin patina of foam around her lips turned a darker shade of brown by the second.  (I swear, there were audible “plops!” when she employed words of greater than four syllables.)

After the interview had finished – and presumably before the clean-up crew moved in to shovel up all the shit information Meryl had vomited disseminated – I switched channels, and didn’t give her anti-vaccination banner-waving further thought.  I – somewhat naively – assumed that Ol’ Crazy would be tarred, feathered and summarily ignored by the greater population.

This, sadly, has not come to pass.

Not only are great deal of people tolerating the stinking horse’s arse that is the AVN, some are actively seeking it, scrabbling over each other in an effort to suckle at the puckering sphincter of ignorance.  Take a quick look at the article by staffer, Jared Reed.  Reed’s article is a short, concise piece on the complaint brought against the AVN with the New South Wales H.C.C.C, yet the comments in support of Meryl continue to pile up.  Taking a quick scroll through the page reveals such molten bronze droplets of wisdom as:

“… Doctors have always tried to badger me into doing what they think is right – not what is right for my family …”

Those bastard medical professionals, eh?  Always wanting their own way, stubbornly refusing to listen to you as you insist, nay, demand medical investigation for your headache; after all, you googled “headache” and the top result was “brain tumor.”  Likewise, who the hell does your GP think he is, telling you to vaccinate your kids?  What makes THEIR advice so good, huh?  Anyone would think that a trained medical professional knew more about your body than YOU do!

HOT TIP: Buying a car doesn’t automatically make you an expert in car maintenance.  Similarly, being alive doesn’t automatically make you an expert on physiology.  Dipshit.

Of more concern was the following comment from someone claiming to be a registered nurse:

The AVN is there to provide information that is not provided by doctors or drug companies. People only get 1/2 of the story from them. I’m a former Peds nurse and have seen vaccine injury.  Why is that antibiotics and all drugs are known to have side effects and cause injury and death and it is acknowledged, but vaccines are supposed to be safe for everyone.

I must admit a certain level of curiosity as to what this individual classes as “vaccine injury”; I’m reasonably certain it’s not the vaccines fault if you slip and stab yourself in the eye with the pointy-stabby-thingy… whatsit… NEEDLE, yeah, Needle.  Also, just by saying something is a vaccine injury doesn’t make it so.  It seems that over-valuing your qualifications and abilities isn’t confined to Meryl alone.

Understanding the people who cry out in support of Meryl and the AVN is simply beyond me.  The only semi-plausible explanation I can come up with is a serious case of chip-on-the-shoulder; I imagine the thought process sounding a little like: “You can’t tell me what to do. // Just because you’re a doctor doesn’t mean you’re better or smarter than me. // And anyway, my mum says that I’m smart.”  Regardless of reason, there’s no excuse for being willfully ignorant, especially where the lives of children are concerned.  Both doctors and scientists are human and therefore fallible, but it’s not the human element that is the basis for advocating vaccination – it’s the decade upon decade of clinical trials and studies.  Errors do happen, but you don’t see medical studies with a 95% confidence limit, now, do you?

If you would rather put any child’s life in the hands of an ignorant, attention-seeking conspiracy theorist you should be beaten to death with your own genitals.  Just saying.


Posted by on August 13, 2009 in Brown Nuggets Of Woo


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