As most people have already figured out, the AVN is a veritable cornucopia of – amongst other things – scientific inaccuracies, lies and misrepresentations. In point of fact, any of the AVN fora are highly uncomfortable places to visit should you have even a passing acquaintance with science, logic or – when they really get going – reality. This writhing hive of bad science, misunderstood terminology and confused statistics spews forth brown droplets of distilled stupid with alarming regularity, most of which are hurled straight back into the gaping maw from whence they issued. Yes, there are more than enough people dealing with scientific side of things these days, so, at the risk of giving it the attention it so obviously craves, I thought I’d talk about the Numpty that Science Forgot: Johanna Holland.
This woman (if, indeed it is a woman) lay near and dear to most of us at the SAVN. Chances are, if you’ve disproven, made fun of, corrected or even questioned any form of AVN stupidity, Johanna (henceforth refereed to as ‘Big-J’) has made a fake profile of you; I assume this is intended to hurt and offend, but personally I found the creation of my fake profile equal parts amusing and pitiable.
Big J – like the Batman – is an enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a tin-foil hat. Appearing from the cloying mists of Facebook like an avenging angel she comes, brandishing her weapons of imitation and sarcasm, laying waste to all who would stand against righteous stupidity. Then, in the blink of a page refresh, the masked avenger is gone; leaving in her wake the broken, soulless husks of those who have tasted her fake-profile vengeance. Nothing more is known of this Tin-foil Knight, bar that she displays the behavioural moires of a vindictive eleven year old. (Picture Skynet if it were confined only to Facebook, and it’s personality was extrapolated from the combined audio logs of every teenage boy on Xbox Live since it’s launch)
Regardless of who (or what) Big J really is, it’s hard to feel angry at her (him/them/it) when you sit down to think about what she (he/they) do. Let’s do a quick experiment to try and estimate the time it takes to get one fake profile up and running:
1. First, lets register firstname.lastname@example.org at gmail:
Total time: 47 seconds.
2. Next, let’s create our new profile on facebook:
Total time: 24 seconds
3. Time to trawl cyberspace for a suitably insulting picture to use for the profile:
Total time (estimate): 1 minutes, 30 seconds
4. Finally, we flesh out the profile, add some interests and join a few pages:
Total time 2 minutes, 17 seconds
So. The grand-total (and bear in mind I was being very conservative; some of Big J’s fakes obviously have a lot more effort go into them) is around 5 minutes per profile. This obviously does not include things like posting comments, setting up relationship statuses and all that other whacky stuff Big J gets up to. This is just to create the profiles, and at the last conservative estimate, Big J was running at least 10 fakes. Taking this further, lets assume that Big J spends, on average, two and a half minutes on each profile, every day. (I’m willing to bet that it’s a lot more than that, but lets shoot low.)
This gives us:
• Greater than 50 minutes of wasted life in creating the profiles to date.
• Approximately Three hours◊ of wasted life per week maintaining them.
Three hours. Three hours. Three hours.
Three hours each week spent doing … whatever it is she (he/they/it) think this is. I can’t help but imagine what I could do with three extra hours a week (especially during exam time); Learn an instrument. Educate myself on interesting topics like immunology. Take guitar lessons. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Not do crazy things.
The list, as I’m sure you’ll agree, is positively endless.
Big J, if you’re reading this, I hope you manage to chase down happiness, whether it be through spending inordinate amounts of time trying to upset or hurt people via fake profiles, or through guitar lessons. Whichever you choose, I’m sure you’ll be one of the very best in your field ♥
◊ 10 profiles * 2.5 minutes * 7 days = 175 minutes
♥ This may be deceptive in the case of fake profile creation, as not many adults do that sort of thing. Nevertheless, I’m sure being better than angsty eleven year olds or 4chan is worth something.