Television is my *friend*

This is actually a re-post of an earlier blog of mine on a different site (back in March), but as I quite enjoyed writing it, I decided a cut-n-paste and brief polish was on the cards….

I truly hate Tuesdays. It hasn’t got that “fresh” feel of a Monday which, although painful, manages to covey a faint sense of a page being turned in the New Testament of Dave. Likewise, Tuesday lacks the warm glow of “almost there” Wednesdays, and the near orgasmic release of Fridays. In short, Tuesdays are the perpetual boarding lounge in the holiday that is my life.

In sheer desperation, I turned to an old friend: Free-To-Air TV.

Entertain me, I said to my TV, a sense of hopeless desperation and slight mania lending my voice a quavering falsetto. My palms go clammy at the thought of stumbling upon reality television.

I fumble with the remote.

“Click” My TV said, as it turned on.

After some random channel-hopping, I settled on Eli Stone with what could charitably be called hopeful resignation.  This was my first time I’d ever watched Eli Stone, and I can honestly say that not only did it leave a bad taste in my mouth, it defecated on my coffee table, molested my neighbors cat and urinated in the kitchen sink on the way out.

It was horrible.

For the benefit of the 5.99 billion people that aren’t familiar with Eli Stone’s …uh… plot (coff coff),  a brief, point-form synopsis is below:

1. Eli used to be A Bit Of A Prick (He is a lawyer after all)
2. Eli had a brain injury of some type (stroke, perhaps? This episode didn’t elaborate)
3. Eli now has a nasty little blood clot crouching on his brain.
4. ????
5. VISIONS FROM GOD! (Or “PROFIT!”, if you prefer.)

Presumably, blood clots are the Divine’s equivalent of short-wave radio.

We’ve established that Eli has visions from god, but only later do we discover that god is only about helping certain people.  Be-clotted Eli is, for want of a better description, god’s anti-hitman.  These visions – sent from the big guy himself no less – are viewed with healthy skepticism by Eli’s friends and family, all of whom stubbornly refuse to release their vice-like grip on rational thought.  What god-hating bastards.

In this particular episode, for example, Eli tells his new girlfriend about said visions over a candle-lit dinner.  The cold-hearted harpy reacts to Eli’s confession completely inappropriately by assuming he’s a nutcase and blinking rapidly at him. Alas, our protagonist is stitched up by this doubting Thomas(ette), and is all alone once more. Poor, single Eli then proceeds to spend the next day being emo and slightly passive aggressive at his sidekick, the Chinese Holistic Medicine Practitioner.  Did you see what they did there?
It gets better.

After Eli undergoes an acupuncture technique that is incredibly dangerous,  mysterious and can show him the future (I know, right?), he finds himself defending a young, female genius from the State. The little scamp had apparently got hold of some weapons grade Plutonium, and was using it in her back yard to “Get a handle on Cold Fusion.” Kids these days, eh?  I used to blow up letterboxes and the occasional lawn ornament, so I guess that’s kind of similar.

This uber-girl is beautiful, arrogant, frequently condescending and has a chip on her shoulder so very large it will certainly cause severe spinal problems later in life.  She devotes her time equally between: (1) staring down her nose at people, and; (2) pretending she doesn’t care about anything, because people totally suck and don’t get her.

This heartless, coldly logical amateur scientific researcher nearly goes to jail because she’s so stubborn and arrogant, but Eli saves the day by getting her a job with ANOTHER genius who can supervise her. This genius is a fat, balding, middle aged man with glasses and a tweed pull-over. He looks like he’d sweat in an igloo.


What did I learn from one episode of Eli Stone?

1. Scientifically inclined people are fat, arrogant, stubborn or misguided.
2. The lord may test your faith by cock-blocking.
3. People with Faith(TM) are always nicer people than those without.
4. People that are sceptical about god just don’t understand how he works.
5. Sticking needles in your face can show you the future.
6. George Micheal may be jesus.  (He pops into Eli’s visions occasionally to say something profound)

Perhaps I should hit myself in the head with a hammer till I, too, can commune with the big guy upstairs. Maybe he can explain to me why a storyline which was obviously written on butchers paper in crayon managed to get pitched to a network successfully.

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Posted by on June 29, 2009 in Atheism


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